Hey Mama

My friend Kayla is a midwife, and when I see her she says, "Hey Mama."

And I remember working at a restaurant
when I was nineteen.
Half the kitchen spoke Spanish
and the other half spoke Arabic,
but they all called me "Little mama."

I liked to imagine it was because I carried
the things they made,
brought them out to the world,
but I'm pretty sure it was because
they didn't remember my name.
"Order's up, little mama."

But this now
it's different from how Abdullah and Santiago said it.
I show up, and you say, "Hey Mama,"
I feel lit up like an angiogram. Like you can tell
exactly what in me is about to burst.

I want to say, "No.
You got it wrong.
I am empty real estate. Toxic assets.
I never gave my marrow to another human.
I'm not awake like mamas. Strong like mamas.
I'm not choke out weeds and tiger rake like mamas."

I thought I would be by now.
I thought my hips were wide for a reason.
and I was meant to split open like a watermelon
to let life come swimming out
But my juices run for nothing
and I bleed a little more every month
And the only thing pregnant
is the pause, when I don't know how to answer.

What does it mean, Kayla, when a midwife calls you Mama?
Does it mean you see all women this way?
Are we all this kind of hale vessel
You know, I've been mistaken for pregnant before.
It wasn't nice.
And I realize that's not what's happening when you say, "Hey Mama,"
But all the same, I need you to know that I'm a salted garden
Nothing grows here
And if I cannot grow things,
then what is all this bosom and baking and active listening for?
How woman am I?

So I've come up with a list of other things it can mean
when you say "Hey Mama."
Like, it could mean,
"Your boobs look amazing."
Or
"Your skin and hair are glowing
and you have the patience of a thousand
red-vested Buckingham Palace guards."

Or maybe it could mean,
"The thing you're carrying is heavy and it hurts
And if it needs to come bleeding and squalling
into the world, I will hold your hand while you scream
and remind you to breathe."

Hey. Mama.
It's ok.
Keep breathing.